25 Best Money Jokes
As we all know, managing our finances can be difficult and tedious. So, every now and then it’s good to step back from these difficulties and reflect on our money with a little humor.
So, with this in mind here are a few tidbits to keep you smiling all the way to the Credit Union.
- I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Q: Why didn’t you report your stolen credit card?
- A: The thief was spending less than me.
- If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
- Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to. – Ambrose Bierce
- People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage. – Doug Larson
- I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of his or her work.
- Q: If marriage is grand, then what is divorce?
- A: Ten grand!
- After years of putting money into a savings account, a wife tells her stay-at-home husband the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally got enough money to buy what we started saving for in 1979.” Her husband blushes with giddy excitement. “You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” he asks. “No,” says the wife, “a 1979 Cadillac.”
- They say money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
- “Why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? Somebody’s making a penny.” – Steven Wright
- Q: Why is college the opposite of kidnapping?
- A: Because unless you hand over $100,000, they’ll send your kid back.
- “There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one. – Jack Yelton
- “Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.” – Mark Twain
- Q: What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $50 steak?
- A: February 14th
- “There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” – James Holt McGavran
- Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!
- A robber jumps out at a man one night and screams “Give me all your money!” “You’ll never get away with this,” the man replies smugly. “I’m a United States congressman!” “In that case,” the robber replies, “give me all my money!”
- The world’s cheapest zoo lost its gorilla but didn’t want to fork over the money for a new one. So, they hired a guy to dress up in a gorilla outfit and hang out in the gorilla enclosure all day. One day, the man got so into his gorilla act that he accidentally fell into the lion enclosure next to him. “Help, help!” he screamed. The lion ran over and whispered, “Dude, shut up before you get us both fired.”
- A homeless guy asks a notoriously tight rich man if he can spare some change. “Money doesn’t just grow on trees!” the rich guy says, before coming up with a shrewd idea. “If you’ll come by my house tomorrow, I’ll pay you $20 to paint my porch.” The homeless man agrees and the rich guy walks away smiling because he failed to mention that the porch is a huge wrap-around. But when the homeless man arrives the next day, he doesn’t seem at all upset. In fact, he knocks on the door just an hour later to announce that he’s done and even gave it an extra coat of paint. Smiling to himself, the man hands over $20. “Thanks!” the homeless man says, turning to leave. “And by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lamborghini.”
- A guy sees a talking parrot up for sale at an auction and decides to place a bid. The more he’s outbid, the more impressed the guy becomes. So, he keeps bidding higher and higher until he wins. Afterward, he approaches the auctioneer and says, “I sank a lot of money into this bird. You’re sure he can really talk right?” “Sure,” the auctioneer says. “Who do you think kept outbidding you?”
- A man being mugged by two thugs was putting up a tremendous fight. The thugs finally subdued him and promptly took his wallet. Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?’ To which the man replied, “I was afraid you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”
- A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it completely off. When the police arrived on scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.
- “Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beamer!”
- “You yuppies are so materialistic, it’s ridiculous” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off.”
- “Oh, my!” screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. “My Rolex!”
- George had responded to a call from his attorney, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer’s firm and was ushered into his office.
- “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.
- “Well, if those are my choices, I guess I’ll take the bad news first.”
- “Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”
- “That’s the bad news?” George was stunned. “If you call that bad, I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
- “The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”
- A preacher gets up one Sunday and announced to his congregation:
- “I have good news and bad news…”
- “The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program!”
- “The bad news is, it’s still out there in your pockets!”
- A beautiful woman enters a bar and sits next to a lawyer.
- “Listen honey,” she says, “For $50, I’ll do absolutely anything you want.”
- The lawyer looks around, pulls fifty dollars from his wallet and says, “Paint my house.”
Without a doubt, financial humor is a great way to help overcome some of the anxiety and uneasiness that comes with money management. And just like money, humor is a great asset designed to improve our financial lives. So, be sure to use both with equal measure to find a perfect life balance.